DAY 18 (How do we miss the dead people?)

First and foremost, I really hope this post won’t offend anyone – that certainly isn’t my intention, it’s just some thoughts that have been going around in my head.  I am in no position to judge anyone else’s thoughts on the matter and thank heavens we’re all different. I am simply questioning my own thoughts and reasonings.

I know the title of this post sounds a little macabre but I was thinking this over as I had heard countless people saying how they missed their loved ones at Christmas and realised that I didn’t!!! (Oh that sounds terrible, let me explain)

I met a lady who was well into her 70’s the other day who said she couldn’t get over her mother’s death and she had tears in her eyes as she said it…. I felt awful, I smile and laugh when I talk about my Mum and can also admit to us having had bad times together too, especially when I was a teenager!!

My mum died a couple of years ago, and on most days I just feel that she is still living in her home in the north of England.  I don’t feel sad at Christmas Time, her Birthdays or on Mother’s Day or at 6 pm in the evening when she always used to ring because I’ve prepared myself for those times and know that she won’t be there.

However, what does throw me completely is when I see an advert that would’ve made her laugh, a special offer at the supermarket that would’ve interested her or a bunch of her favourite flowers outside the florist,  when I just naturally think “Oh I’ll ring Mum and tell her about that” or when I’m feeling very down and would like a chat with her and I get that horrible, lurching feeling of realisation in my stomach – that’s when I really miss her.

On a day to day basis, it’s almost as if she is still around, I find myself thinking out loud to her whilst doing mundane things, washing up, ironing, driving…so for me she is still very much in my life.

She was a solid, sensible, matter of fact and smart lady.  She taught me all I needed to know and as a grown up,  I consider myself to be relatively well grounded and level headed on the whole….obviously I let the side down occasionally but I’m the littlest so I’m allowed.  (I’m sure any psychologist would strenuously disagree!!)

So here’s my question:

Am I a hard, insensitive, thoughtless person who has lost touch with reality? (Or is it the way my Mum educated me, so that I am the way I am?)

Answers on a postcard please!

I loved my Mum very much and here’s a little poem I scribbled down just after she had passed away.

HANDS

They cooked us Sunday Roasts
They changed the countless beds
They hoovered up the house
They earned money to keep us fed

***

They bathed us when young
They raised a glass or two!
They knitted, they crocheted, they embroidered
They  painted, they sketched and they drew

*** 

They smacked the backs of our legs
They put plasters on our knees
They were lifted in the air in disbelief
And from our cheeks they wiped the tears

*** 

I never saw all the things these two hands did
Didn’t appreciated them at all
Where would we be now without them?
So much to thank them for

***

 We think we need to express our love
With gifts, flowers, or some such show
But without a word being spoken
Hands tell us all we need to know

*** 

And at the most important time
When words were not enough
We knew just what Mum thought
And she did it with just one touch

***

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