First and foremost, I really hope this post won’t offend anyone – that certainly isn’t my intention, it’s just some thoughts that have been going around in my head. I am in no position to judge anyone else’s thoughts on the matter and thank heavens we’re all different. I am simply questioning my own thoughts and reasonings.
I know the title of this post sounds a little macabre but I was thinking this over as I had heard countless people saying how they missed their loved ones at Christmas and realised that I didn’t!!! (Oh that sounds terrible, let me explain)
I met a lady who was well into her 70’s the other day who said she couldn’t get over her mother’s death and she had tears in her eyes as she said it…. I felt awful, I smile and laugh when I talk about my Mum and can also admit to us having had bad times together too, especially when I was a teenager!!
My mum died a couple of years ago, and on most days I just feel that she is still living in her home in the north of England. I don’t feel sad at Christmas Time, her Birthdays or on Mother’s Day or at 6 pm in the evening when she always used to ring because I’ve prepared myself for those times and know that she won’t be there.
However, what does throw me completely is when I see an advert that would’ve made her laugh, a special offer at the supermarket that would’ve interested her or a bunch of her favourite flowers outside the florist, when I just naturally think “Oh I’ll ring Mum and tell her about that” or when I’m feeling very down and would like a chat with her and I get that horrible, lurching feeling of realisation in my stomach – that’s when I really miss her.
On a day to day basis, it’s almost as if she is still around, I find myself thinking out loud to her whilst doing mundane things, washing up, ironing, driving…so for me she is still very much in my life.
She was a solid, sensible, matter of fact and smart lady. She taught me all I needed to know and as a grown up, I consider myself to be relatively well grounded and level headed on the whole….obviously I let the side down occasionally but I’m the littlest so I’m allowed. (I’m sure any psychologist would strenuously disagree!!)
So here’s my question:
Am I a hard, insensitive, thoughtless person who has lost touch with reality? (Or is it the way my Mum educated me, so that I am the way I am?)
Answers on a postcard please!
I loved my Mum very much and here’s a little poem I scribbled down just after she had passed away.
They cooked us Sunday Roasts
They changed the countless beds
They hoovered up the house
They earned money to keep us fed
***
They bathed us when young
They raised a glass or two!
They knitted, they crocheted, they embroidered
They painted, they sketched and they drew
***
They smacked the backs of our legs
They put plasters on our knees
They were lifted in the air in disbelief
And from our cheeks they wiped the tears
***
I never saw all the things these two hands did
Didn’t appreciated them at all
Where would we be now without them?
So much to thank them for
***
We think we need to express our love
With gifts, flowers, or some such show
But without a word being spoken
Hands tell us all we need to know
***
And at the most important time
When words were not enough
We knew just what Mum thought
And she did it with just one touch
***