OK so this is what’s happening, Hubby has just left to go for a game of golf, I’m freezing and have put the heating on and made a coffee. What shall I do?
Take Photos – Too Cold
Do Housework – Too Lazy
Watch TV – Too Boring
Do Paperwork – Too Exhausting
I know, I’ll have beauty afternoon!! Starting with hair removal…I have no idea if the rest of you ladies are like me, but I have a plethora of hair removal systems to cover just about every sprouting hair on my body. Gentlemen, if you are reading this, I apologise if you find this all too revealing and disgusting but hey ho such is life, man up! It’s time you realised the crap we women have to put up with!!! Don’t give me that “But we have to shave everyday nonsense” Ooh how I would ‘love’ to have to ‘only’ shave everyday!!!
Now I bet you thought I was joking when I said I have a lot of gear, well just look at this photo, yes I have so much that I keep it in a box and label it…so I just know NOBODY else will go near it!! (Also I’m a bit of a tidy freak in the bathroom)
Ok so here we go, I went up into the bathroom to set out everything I needed for my fortnightly Hair Removal Session, (actually I’m now having second thoughts, maybe you aren’t all as hairy as me and will now be thinking…how wierd is she? Half woman, half werewolf?!) Oh well I’ve started so I might as well follow through…here goes nothing!!!
I have facial hair, leg hair, underarm hair, a rather beautiful mustache, hairy knees and hairy toes, I honestly believe when I was moulded, someone decided to play a joke on me…for goodness sake I even get hair growing behind my knees…!!! My friends say ‘But you’re not hairy’ Doh, no I’m not because I have to go through this rigmarole every fortnight, I don’t think even Hubby knows what I have to do to be smooth and shiny, well I’m actually more pink and blotchy.
So let me introduce you to my box of tricks….
This I’m sure you will all recognise as WAX, yes, I heat this in the microwave to a temperature which is always hotter than suggested on the instruction leaflet, I spread this boiling, hot liquid on my skin and then as if that isn’t enough punishment I then have to get a strip of linen place it on my skin, take a deep breath and whip it off at a rate of knots. All the while biting my lips so I don’t scream so loud that the neighbours think I’ve been slain by some mad axe man! And I’m sure you will all be familiar with the difficulty in doing the backs of your own legs!! I’m a normal woman not a contortionist…it’s just impossible, I may get smooth legs but I walk with a limp after using this because I’ve normally pulled a muscle in my groin or thigh! Oh and it’s so damn sticky…that I end up with patches of lint stuck to my legs…it’s a very attractive sight….
Ah yes, facial hair remover, ok this is easy, slap it on with a brush and leave for NO MORE than 10 minutes, except I need to leave it for 15 because my hair is very dark and thick…so I cover my top lip, the end of my chinny chin chin, my cheek bones and above my eyebrows up to my hairline, (I did warn you I was hairy!!) I decide to get things done while I wait, 5 minutes – get the dirty washing out of the basket and throw it down the stairs, 10 minutes – wander into the bedroom and gaze out the window, 11 minutes – wave at the neighbour, 11 and a half minutes – suddenly realise I look like Father Christmas and ducky down to hide my embarrassment!! At last! 15 minutes – I remove the cream, by now it has burnt my skin and I resemble a child with chicken pox, it’ll be fine I’ll just put some cream on it….
Oh now the bikini line, I hate this product, it stinks, even though the manufacturer always manages to write ‘New fragrance’ on the pack, it stinks of hard-boiled eggs…I shan’t go into the application details, just suffice to say that I end up on the bed on a towel, watching tv with the alarm clock on and then have to do a crab walk to the bathroom to remove it!! As for the 5 minutes, 15 for me!! It’s all lies, I tell you.
Now this is another contraption that I bought in the hope that it would be the answer to my probs….Wet or Dry shaver, there is something not quite right about taking something that is mechanical into water so this doesn’t get used too often.
Another new product with the promise that it would end all my hair problems, firstly the pink guard comes off but the head is so small it would take me two weeks to do one leg and then I realised it came with stencils…a lightning flash, a star, a heart!!! What’s all that about….oh I got it…it’s not for your legs!! Well that was money well spent!! NOT! But did have a good giggle, works under the arms though!! (I’ll leave you to guess which part of the body that was for…all well and good for a teenager but I hardly think I need a star let alone a lightning flash down there at my age!!)
Now this baby could be used to extract information from the most highly trained spy, the first couple of times I used it, it actually made me heave…the pain was excruciating…it is truly an item of torture, who invented this? I’m sure if you have that lovely, fair, downy hair on your legs it’s fine but hey I’m a real woman with real hair…are you having a joke?
And the good old faithful razor, this goes on holiday with me, just for the odd occasion, yes I have a lot of holiday snaps where I have a piece of tissue stuck to my leg…why do I always manage to slice bits of skin off!!
I have also tried threading DON’T DO IT!!! It hurts like mad and I only managed to do half my face, so I looked great as I left the salon…, one side red, irritated and sore, the other side ‘beard’!! Lovely!!
So there you go, that’s a tongue in cheek look at just some of my experiences of hair removal, there are more, but maybe a little too graphic for a blog…
I’ve actually put myself off now and have decided I will continue organising my photos instead of going up for a beauty afternoon….do you blame me?